Constant Doubts

Things have been tough all over lately. I haven't had the urge to come here and talk about them. I'm sort of making myself do that today.

Anxiety. I have it . . . an anxiety disorder. It doesn't constantly plague me, but when things get rough or intense, it "flares up." Enter the following: work has become insanely stressful as several initiatives have been pressed upon us from upon high; grandmother was taken to the emergency room with "altered metal status;" husband and I took out new/increased life insurance policies; I came down with bronchitis and missed 35 hours of work in one week; to top it, we're trying to have a baby.

That's when the constant and rambling thoughts start. "How am I going to handle having a baby if I can't handle bronchitis?" It all rolled downhill from there.

What if I have a C-section, how long will it take me to recover, what if I miss more work than I can supplement with earned leave, how do I get myself and an infant ready for the workday every morning, what if my life changes and my husband's doesn't . . . it just goes on and on and on.

So, I called a counselor. And my doctor upped my Lexapro. And I am now coping. And learning as much as I can now while I have the time, reading books, watching videos, asking friends about their experiences. It's all helping.

Maybe I can do this after all.

Presidential Address

Makes me want to get back on the pill. He succeeded in depressing the entire nation. Way to go, freak.

Abnormal = HPV

I called to find out more information about the letter I received yesterday. It turns out that my PAP smear returned positive results for HPV. This was the first year they actually tested for the virus, so there's no telling how long I've been a carrier.

That's what they called me. A carrier. Does that mean I actually have it, or is it lying dormant in my mommy bits?

As a carrier, they told me I should be examined annually and monitored, and that I will always have abnormal PAP results if they test for HPV, which seems to be the new norm considering the vaccine etc. They also informed me, naturally, that I am higher risk for developing cervical cancer than women without HPV.

I just wanted to know if something was actually WRONG and if this would affect my attempts to conceive. They assured me I was fine on both accounts. I know of no family history of cancer, especially of the cervix. Maybe nothing will come of this. Let's hope for the best then.

You're Abnormal, Ma'am.

I got a letter in the mail today. It says my recent exam yielded abnormal results. I haven't had an abnormal PAP since I was 22. That was ten years ago. Now that I'm ready for a child, the equipment's messed up? No fair. Hopefully, like last time, it's nothing. I'll keep you posted.

Nothing Yet

Saw two doctors this week and last; got my meds straight so as to not harm any baby that may be conceived. It's going to cost me an arm and a leg to get my new psoriasis meds, but I very badly need them. Spoke with my dermatologist about this pesky stuff; it's hereditary, and I can pass it to a baby, which I loathe. I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE . . . okay, maybe on someone I REALLY hate, but the rest of the general public, no way. It's hard answering questions like "oh, what's wrong with your arms?" and "did you get into some poison ivy?" Over the years, I've become comfortable enough to just say, "it's just psoriasis, nothing will cure it, don't worry, you won't catch it." It took me a LONG time to get here, though. Looks like one day I could possibly fight that battle again. Poor baby.

Greetings.

Some of you may be visiting from my regular blog. This is where I intend to hide all the "mommy blogger" type stuff that will eventually beging to spring to mind.

You see, Sunday night was the first night in TEN YEARS that I did not swallow a birth control pill. My husband has been hounding me and I finally gave in decided to attempt to reproduce . . . thus the blog title chosen above. Sunday night was also the first night of unending questions regarding my fertility and ovulation while I struggled to keep my anxiety under control. My god, man, I just threw the contraception away, I have no clue what's going to happen or when. I've never done this before, you freak!

*ahem*

Sorry. He's just so excited. Let's hope he's still excited at 3 in the morning when the beast is screaming and it's "his turn."